One day a lady went into a fishing shop to buy her husband a fishing pole for his birthday.
She picked up a really nice looking pole and asked the salesman how much it was. The sales man says, "I am blind but if you give me the pole I can tell how much it is by the weight."
So the lady gives him the pole and he says, "That pole is worth $45." She was amazed at how cheap that was.
So then she picked up another really nice pole, hands it to the man and he says, "This pole is worth $55." She decided that was also really cheap.
And then she picks the nicest looking pole in the place and handed it to the man and he says, "This pole is our best and it is $70." She told him that she would take it.
As she was getting the fishing pole all rung up, she had to fart really really badly. She decided since the man was blind that it really wouldn't matter if she farted in front of him so she just let it loose.
All of a sudden the man says, "It all comes up to $80."
Confused the lady says to him, "But you said the fishing pole was only $70."
He said, "It is. Its $70 for the fishing pole and $10 for the duck call."
Movie Duck
So, this guy has a pet duck and he goes to the movie theater to see a movie and brings his duck with him. He goes to the ticket window and says to the lady, "I'd like two tickets, one for me, and one for my duck."
The lady says, "I can't give your duck a ticket."
The man says, "What gives? This is my pet duck. I take him everywhere."
The lady says, "I'm sorry, sir, but you cannot bring that animal inside the theater."
The man says fine and walks around the back of the theater, unzips his pants, sticks the duck in there, zips up, goes back around front and buys one ticket.
He sits down to watch the movie next to some old ladies. He unzips his pants and the duck sticks his head out to get a little air.
The old lady next to him turns to her friend and whispers, "Hey Mabel, there's a pervert sitting next to me. He's got his thing out."
Mabel whispers back, "Just enjoy it dear. At our age we don't get to see many of those anymore."
She whispers back, "But I'm nervous. This one's different."
Mabel answers, "Oh really? What's so different about it?"
"It's eating my popcorn!"
The lady says, "I can't give your duck a ticket."
The man says, "What gives? This is my pet duck. I take him everywhere."
The lady says, "I'm sorry, sir, but you cannot bring that animal inside the theater."
The man says fine and walks around the back of the theater, unzips his pants, sticks the duck in there, zips up, goes back around front and buys one ticket.
He sits down to watch the movie next to some old ladies. He unzips his pants and the duck sticks his head out to get a little air.
The old lady next to him turns to her friend and whispers, "Hey Mabel, there's a pervert sitting next to me. He's got his thing out."
Mabel whispers back, "Just enjoy it dear. At our age we don't get to see many of those anymore."
She whispers back, "But I'm nervous. This one's different."
Mabel answers, "Oh really? What's so different about it?"
"It's eating my popcorn!"
Duck Hunting Doctors
Five doctors went duck hunting one day. Included in the group were a general practitioner, a pediatrician, a psychiatrist, a surgeon and a pathologist. After a time, a bird came winging overhead. The first to react was the general practitioner who raised his shotgun, but then hesitated.
"I'm not quite sure it's a duck," he said, "I think that I will have to get a second opinion." And of course by that time, the bird was long gone.
Another bird appeared in the sky soon thereafter. This time, the pediatrician drew a bead on it. He too, however, was unsure if it was really a duck in his sights and besides, it might have babies. "I'll have to do some more investigations," he muttered, as the creature made good its escape.
Next to spy a bird flying was the sharp-eyed psychiatrist. Shotgun shouldered, he was more certain of his intended prey's identity. "Now, I know it's a duck, but does it know it's a duck?" The fortunate bird disappeared while the fellow wrestled with this dilemma.
Finally, a fourth fowl sped past and this time the surgeon's weapon pointed skywards and he fired without hesitation. BOOM!! The surgeon lowered his smoking gun and turned nonchalantly to the pathologist beside him: "Go see if that was a duck, will you?"
"I'm not quite sure it's a duck," he said, "I think that I will have to get a second opinion." And of course by that time, the bird was long gone.
Another bird appeared in the sky soon thereafter. This time, the pediatrician drew a bead on it. He too, however, was unsure if it was really a duck in his sights and besides, it might have babies. "I'll have to do some more investigations," he muttered, as the creature made good its escape.
Next to spy a bird flying was the sharp-eyed psychiatrist. Shotgun shouldered, he was more certain of his intended prey's identity. "Now, I know it's a duck, but does it know it's a duck?" The fortunate bird disappeared while the fellow wrestled with this dilemma.
Finally, a fourth fowl sped past and this time the surgeon's weapon pointed skywards and he fired without hesitation. BOOM!! The surgeon lowered his smoking gun and turned nonchalantly to the pathologist beside him: "Go see if that was a duck, will you?"
Dancing Duck
There was a bar man who owned a duck who danced on a tin box. He sold it to another bar man who phoned him later asking how to make him stop. He replied "Open the tin and blow out the candles!"
My Wife the Duck
"Doctor, doctor, my wife thinks she's a duck."
"You better bring her in to see me straight away."
"I can't do that - she's already flown south for the winter."
"You better bring her in to see me straight away."
"I can't do that - she's already flown south for the winter."
Duck Hunting
Two men from (name your least favorite southern state) went duck-hunting with their dogs but without success. "I know what we're doing wrong," said the first one. "What's that then?" asked the second. "We're not throwing the dogs high enough!"
Duck Duck Goose
A large group of ducks gather in a circle. One duck stood up and walked around the circle patting every duck on the head chanting duck, duck, duck, GOOSE! The one that was patted on the head last started to cry. All the other ducks asked why? The tearful waterfowl replied, "It's true!"